Emotions and memory - sex

As I was pondering the last entry, the scripture encourages us to renew our minds. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:1. This process will be a difficult topic to work through when I approach the topic of sex. The concept has so many taboos in the Christian world and because we will not talk abut it, we have such a problem. I am addicted to sex. I do not get the rush that some people have from money i.e. spending or having power over others or perhaps some other rush like cigarettes, alcohol, or narcotics. I have never tried marijuana or other illegl drug, so I cannot speak about them, but I tried some things to get a rush and the after effect was so bad, one could say it cured me for life. However, I am addicted to sex. My memory wants to reach that rush. I remember when I was 16 and I had the first desire for a partnership with a woman. It is complicated to articulate what I went through, but I had to deal with my own emotions and the pollution of the world. I went through years and years of trying to start a relationship and experiencing rejection or feelings that I was not good enough for someone. Like a lot of guys, someone got a copy, in our case a stack of Playboys and we looked at the pictures. The text was boring. As a teenager I remember looking for the rush  from the visual. In my case, I did not know what intercourse would be like so I had no concept for imagining that aspect of sex. Then I went off to college and restrained for 12 years. I do not want to excuse my sin, and I have repented many times. Yet the devil would get into my thoughts and I would slowly agree and choose a path that I was not designed for. I woud binge for a few days, feel guilty and turn away for months. Finally I broke the cycle with God's help. I  really thought I was cured, but struggled with sex. Another 12 years goes by and then the proliferation of the Internet changed my world. Before a person had to go out and get it; now it comes to the person. I binged again I woud give into the desire seeking that rush, become disapointed in myself, repent and abstain for several months to a year. When Svetlana came into my life, it went away. When I have a sexual dream or the devil puts thoughts into my mind, I can quickly contain it and focus on Sveta. Although the influence of these thoughts is negative I  am now able to turn it around in a matter of minutes. Am I still addicted to sex? (Sveta says it is time for luch, so I will have to continue this in the next blog).

 cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22.